


No More Perfect Lies

by afteriwake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-19
Updated: 2012-09-19
Packaged: 2017-11-14 15:05:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afteriwake/pseuds/afteriwake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe Dean was crazy for giving up the perfect life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More Perfect Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Set after "What Is And What Should Never Be."

He thought he was going crazy. He never went into all the details with Sam because he didn't want to think about the perfect life he'd thrown away. He didn't want to think about his mother and Jessica still being alive, didn't want to think about Sammy having a normal life, didn't want to think about the woman who was supposed to be his girlfriend. Because any time he thought of it he got depressed.

But the whole time, seeing the bodies and the girl, he had known something wasn't right. In the back of his mind he knew that this was not his world. Maybe it could have been, if he'd never become a hunter, but he _had_ become a hunter and so he knew everything that went out in the night, every person he had saved...he knew everything about his old life and this new one pasted over it let just enough of the old life through to tell him that something was seriously wrong.

And he gave it up. He did what he thought was right, killed himself in the dream and woke up in this plane of existence. Some days he thought he'd killed himself in Heaven and woken up in Hell, that's how bad he felt sometimes. He could have had a shot at perfection, of happiness, of _normalcy_ and he gave it up to do what he knew deep down was right. He could feel as selfish as he wanted now; in the end, he had done what was right and that had but an end to the dream, or at least that particular dream itself. Didn't mean the dream didn't linger in the back of his mind anymore.

Maybe he was crazy for giving it up. God knew how many times _that_ thought had flitted through his brain. He'd had it all. He could even have worked on some sort of relationship with Sam, made that part of his life better. If his old memories had just been laid to permanent rest he'd have been happy in that make-believe world. And he wanted to be happy, be happy like when he was a kid before a yellow-eyed demon came and fucked it all up.

He couldn't tell Sam any of this. Not the fact that he still thought about it, especially. That it still rattled around in his mind. There, his old life had been overshadowed by this perfect existence. Now, that perfect existence shadowed what he had. It was like a mirage, floating there on the surface of his mind. But it wasn't worth it, going back there. Part of him was almost terrified that if he went back to that place some magic would hold him there, keep him captive again.

He had to deal with these new demons on his own. It wasn't even like he could exorcise them; these thoughts, these new demons of his...they lived in his mind, and he was pretty sure the only way they'd be exorcised was when he was being salted and burned. And that was a place he didn't want to go to yet, so he just had to deal with them as best he could, hoping they didn't drive him insane along the way.


End file.
